I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Text me some of your sweat
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
