I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Randomize
