Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
