everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
