I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
