U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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