Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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