so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
