think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
