the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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