True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
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