I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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