You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
