I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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