Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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