just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
