meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Please, let me fuck your mom
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
