I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
