I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
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