Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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