i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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