Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Randomize
