She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
