I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
