this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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