you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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