Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just found puke in my bra..
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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