oh god the rape fog is back!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Life without a bra equals bliss.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
