On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
