I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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