I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
