but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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