dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
