Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
