dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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