he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
