Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
