Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
