dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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