She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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