Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
