i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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