If you die in college, do you die in real life?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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