i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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