we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
