I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
