I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
