Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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