Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
