Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
