I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
