Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
