my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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